Wednesday, February 1, 2017

My Recovery Blues...

So, I pretty much missed December & most of January.
Many years ago, I suffered an unfortunate back injury. As a result, I leaned heavily on doctor prescribed pain medication. I had been on them from day one in order to attempt return to 'normal' day to day life.

After all this time, I randomly developed a rare allergy to this medication that resulted in me having many seizures.
At first, I didn't tell anybody what was happening, because I thought it would just go away.(yea right) They didn't.(duh) Then they got worse. (Yea, DUH!)
After waaaay too many 'episodes' & some close calls behind the wheel, yeaaa, I'm an idiot, I stopped cold turkey (bad call) per doctor's orders.
Oh, & got driving privileges suspended, too.(good call)

Fast forward to the missing of a month & a half...

Have you ever seen those movies where a junkie gets admitted into rehab & goes through wicked & excruciatingly painful withdrawals?
YUP! That was me, full speed ahead to wicked rehab.
I just didn't know it...yet...
"Just stop taking the meds!" they said. "Right now!" they said.
"Ok.. Done!" I said
It never even dawned on me that it could be a very painful ordeal! Really??? Yes...Really!
Anyway, why would it? It's not like I was addicted to heroine!

But OOHHHH.....
The misery, the anguish, the vomiting, the profuse sweating & chills that followed was almost as unbearable as ALL of the agonizing return of pain from the back injury, as well as my debilitating headaches! It ALL came rushing back, all at once!!
If ever there is a time that you literally just want to die, it would be then!

I took many sleeping pills to try to 'sleep it off', countless Tylenol, ibuprofen, Aleve, Excedrin & aspirin to try to get any relief, but no, no relief would come.
In my mind, I'm scrambling to figure out a way to justifiably get into a medically induced coma for just a couple weeks...

Day after day, week after week, bad days, then worse days, then days where I'd slip & take some forbidden meds, but I'd feel better! Oops...
Birthdays, Christmas & New Year came & went. Trying to make this time nice for everyone else was so hard!
When will this be over already??

That's a stupid question.

The answer is, never!

Sure, I have energy now, & I can do things around the house & even cook a bit, but there's a cost! It's not just about the pain. Sure, I'll live with (more) pain as my constant companion, but what damage was done to my brain in this whole ordeal?
I've since noticed problems with speech. At times, my inability to put a sentence together is incredibly frustrating! Words get jumbled & come out completely backwards, it's sooo weird!!! Just writing this is such a difficult task!
I am also a recovered alcoholic. I already battle daily 'cravings', but now they scream, "Gimmmeeee!!!" louder than ever!!
So the stupid question of when this is going to be over? Yup, NEVER!

However, I DO have my family!
Without their constant care & support, my outcome would have been dramatically different!
So, I thank you for your support, literally, yes, I mean physically holding me up at times!
I thank you for your dedication, your patience, your confidence & your strength when I have none.
I love you so, so much, you can't even know!!

I do know this endeavor is FAR from over!
I just wish instead of damaging my brain, it would've opened up some part of it, unlocking an amazing talent like becoming a guitar, or piano virtuoso!!

Oh well, at least my sense of humor is intact... Phew! Ha ha ha ha ha!!

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