Friday, March 10, 2017

Click, Click, Boom!

How is it that I didn't end up being some kind of psychopathic serial killer? I was certainly primed for it!

Sometimes, my rage just could not be contained. I would punch lockers, doors, walls, cars or whatever got in my way until my fists were swollen, bruised and bleeding. That pain felt better than the shi..oops.. crap going in in my head. By the way, I don't recommend punching holes inside your own house. Stepdads punch BACK! Just outta nowhere, mid sentence, WHAM!
I still would, skip school or come to class in some drug induced haze, swear so much it would've made a sailor blush, and get suspended from school for various offenses. Trouble... with a capitol 'T'!
High school ended up a whole lot of drama despite my attempts of keeping hidden in the shadows.

Yet somehow, there was a slight, ever so faint glimmer of hope that started to spark from somewhere deep within my very being. I just didn't know it was there, yet.

It seemed a random choice of classes. A cooking class, a sewing class, a child development class, a tiny glimpse of something more? Whoa, something clicked! Then, there were several series of events that slowly unfolded that would ultimately determine my fate. Unbeknownst to me, my choices would dictate what would happen next.

I was being pulled into two different directions. I was hell bent on self-destruction, At the same time, I started working on homework. Not just a little bit. I mean, I was putting real effort into these elective classes. I liked these dumb classes. I wanted to do good especially in the child development class!
I was then called down to the counselors office. He had a genuine interest in my well-being, and my future. He talked to me like I was a 'normal' person. He asked me questions that made me think, even if it was just for a minute.
I was now more confused than ever. There are adults that care about kids???
Yea.. then it made me angry. Oh, just hit something and be over it already!
I was appreciative of his counseling and decided to take his advice. I took my child development classes to the next level. That led me to the Voc-Tech classes in the building next to the high school. Those classes were not easy to get into. They were more like college classes that were 2.5 hours long, steering kids towards a career. That class led me to a job in a daycare center. There were 19 applicants for 2 openings. I got in. I got in!

With what should've been my complete turn-around, I was still in self destruct mode! How stupid am I? Wait..
Don't answer that...

With high school finally complete, I had a car, a job, and I was still drinking, smoking, and using drugs. Just not as often, but still..
Another turning point:
I attended a party that had plenty of alcohol and drugs to go around. I drank myself stupid. Well, I tried to drink myself stupid, but nothing was happening. I sat there getting angry because no matter how much I drank, there was no buzz. WTF?? I was too angry and depressed to keep trying, so I gave up. Not just for the night. Something clicked.
I gave up for good! Right then, right there, done! No MORE!!

I went on and celebrated my 21st birthday... sober.
I wanted to go get some alcohol because that's what you're supposed to do when you turn 21, right? You drink!
Nope... Not me... click, click, boom! I have decided to be completely clean and dry!!

I felt hope rising...

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